Your Horrorscopes

The Gurn is happy to present a new feature by Nairn's very own celebrity Stargazer:

Pookie Candelabra XX:

Aries - March 21 - April 20

Planetary alignment is at its strongest for Aries. This really will be your year to shine. Approach each new day with abandon and seize every moment. Cut down on your binge-drinking. Lucky animal: Mole.

Taurus - April 21 - May 20

You look in the mirror and realise you are another year older. Life is slipping away. You will receive a late present almost a fortnight after your birthday. Lucky bird: Seagull.

Gemini - May 21 - June 20

A close friend confides in you expecting a quick decision on your part. Don’t be too hasty, take your time, and remember it’s not really your problem. Lucky Chinese Symbol: Chopsticks.

Cancer - June 21 - July 20

If you are planning to travel abroad avoid shellfish on the flight. If you are staying at home avoid all takeaway food and changing cubicles for the next month. An estranged family member occupies your thoughts. Lucky Numbers: 0, 13, 666, pi.

Leo - July 21 - August 20

Visitors arrive unexpectedly and test your patience. Remain calm but ready to throw the first punch. Lucky Animal: Shetland Pony.

Virgo - August 21 - September 20

A family pet falls ill. Lucky number: 1-800-NAIRNVET.

Libra - September 21 - October 20

Prepare to feel unwell on Sunday but don’t throw a sickie on Monday unless you really need it. There’s a chance of romance from an unexpected face at work so keep an eye on the mirror to make sure you look your best. Lucky Dog: Airedale.

Scorpio - October 21 - November 20

Money becomes an issue with a close family member who will ask for financial assistance. Now is a good time to reset your PIN. Avoid heavy machinery unless your job entails working with heavy machinery. Lucky Food: Skinless Sausages.

Sagittarius - November 21 - December 20

Planetary energies are at their weakest for you right now. Best to spend Tuesday very close to the toilet. Lucky Day: Tuesday.

Capricorn - December 21 - January 19

A distraction at work causes you to lose focus and a close friend’s advice on Wednesday is worth heeding. Romance is definitely in the air on Thursday. You receive a sign from the other side that all is well with a recently departed family member. Lucky Animal: Baboon.

Aquarius - January 20 - February 18

Don’t try to please everybody this week, and you’ll find you suit yourself. You move a step closer to getting that neck tattoo you have been considering. Friday’s Mantra: Supersize me!

Pisces - February 19 - March 20

A simple disagreement is blown out of all proportion and your workplace is divided. Remain calm but ready to strike first if it looks like kicking off. Make the most of driving sleet at the weekend. Lucky Animal: Hornet.